“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.