I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
2022: I can fix it
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi