My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class