[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)