“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Baller is short for ballerina
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-