I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play