You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao