My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
You Might Also Like
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.