911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since MarchâŚ
Every haunted house movie:
I need better friends
Donât shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I have a condition where if I donât walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. Iâm like the bus in Speed
Please donât leave me to my own devices. Theyâre all out of batteries
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
One minute youâre wild and free, the next youâre standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
If someone says âlong story shortâ two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didnât work again
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: âThis is me when I was little.â
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: âYou were a *horse*?â
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.