My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life