you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
How does one answer this?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.