I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
WHY?!
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim