I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.