sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
adam and eve had first world problems
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
everyone’s a critic
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.