wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
brian had himself a morning…
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.