there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note鈥oes anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.