I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I only look at Wordle for the articles
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him