What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
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If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
nice challenge
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences