You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
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Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.