So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.