I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.