I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!