Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud