*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
The “baby” on the left….
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you