[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
my dog when i have a friend over
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
They did not miss in the small print
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies