There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”