I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.