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daaaaang i look good
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Aw man, but that’s the best part
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.