Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing