I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.