I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
This will never not be funny to me.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Important
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s