my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!