I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids