I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.