My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.