[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44