Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Happy weekend !
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Lmbo
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks