One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”