Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN