[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
What fresh Hell is this?!?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.