Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
i smell a pulitzer
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*