ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: