Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”