Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance