Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.