if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I forgot how to panic. Help