Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Lucky old June.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The government even made aliens boring
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself