“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.