I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
philosophical skeletons be like
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made