For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS